How Do I Know If I'm Asexual? Tips for Exploring Your Aspec Identity

Exploring one's sexuality can be a challenging journey that requires both self-reflection and learning new concepts and ways of self-identification

By Hanxue Jiang

Exploring one's sexuality can be a challenging journey that requires both self-reflection and learning new concepts and ways of self-identification, especially if you are questioning whether you might be on the asexual spectrum. There may not be as many resources, discussions, or representations available as there are for other queer communities, and the definition of asexuality itself may not feel as intuitive. While there is no checklist or set of criteria that can "diagnose" you as asexual, the following tips and advice may help guide you along your journey of self-exploration. 

The “definition” of asexuality and how to make sense of it

The AVEN (The Asexual Visibility & Education Network) defines asexual as “someone who does not experience sexual attraction or an intrinsic desire to have sexual relationships”. This is probably the first thing that will come up if you search “what is asexuality.”

It’s true that some people are not happy with this definition, for it defines the ace community entirely on something “negative;” it still sets up a useful boundary against allonormavitity (allosexual meaning the opposite of asexual, that one experiences sexual attraction to others) and embraces the experience of not having something that society assumes everyone should have.

So one way to make sense of this definition when seeing it for the first time could be to use it as a starting point to explore the question “do I experience sexual attraction (and in what ways)”, while keeping in mind that being asexual does not mean you are admitting you naturally “lack” something. Expanding your own definition of asexuality and more affirmative aspects of asexual experience can also be something that guides you through the process and helps you embrace the identity more.

Learn about different ace identities and find your own language for it 

“Asexual” is in fact an umbrella term that includes a varity of different identities and experiences, including demisexual (only experience seuxal attraction after forming a deep bond with that person), greysexual (experience sexual attraction infrequently), and even more specific labels like aegoseuxal (having disconnection between themselves and the subject of arousal, like having fantasy about sex without having it involve you), and many, many more. 

You can easily find explanations for these asexual sub-identities online, in the form of lists like Asexual spectrum – From Ace to Z, or identification flow charts.

Remember that these labels can sometimes feel too specific and too many, or even more confusing than helpful, but they can still help you learn about the different, diverse asexual experiences and help you find already established descriptions to talk about your feelings and thoughts. The goal is never to fit into a certain label, but to use labels as tools to communicate your own experiences, find community and a sense of belonging, and build your own language about who you are and how you move through the world.

Online resources on asexuality and how to navigate them

Besides definitions, there are also online resources about asexuality that you can look into. We have our own free resources available here, including downloadable presentations, flyers, brochures, and more. Our blog is a great place to start for anything from basics about asexuality to specialized topics, such as celebrating Pride as an ace or ace sex work. We also have in-person, hybrid, and virtual events.

AVEN has a general FAQ page for questioning asexuals about what asexuality is and typical doubts and questions you may have (including can asexuals “have crushes”, will asexuals masturbate, etc.). 

The TAAAP (The AceAro Advocacy Project) runs a series called AspecVoices that shares perspectives and experiences of asexual individuals from different orientations, genders, age groups, races, etc, and also hosts pride chats for asexuals. 

Learning about these more specific questions and experiences from actual individuals from the community might help you get a better sense of what being an ace actually means and could look like. Still, keep in mind that these resources are not meant to set up rules or standards for being asexual, and it is equally important to respect what others have to share and how they see who they are.

Exploring how you relate to others and what you find pleasure in

Like what people have suggested about the “definition” of asexuality, exploring one’s asexual identity can go beyond the fact of not feeling sexual attraction. Many asexuals also take time to explore what they value in a relationship when they don’t center it around sex, what they appreciate in those important to them, what activities they find joy in, etc, and see those as essential to their identity. Realizing that you are asexual is not just about you being “different” from the majority of people, but also knowing more about who you are and how you appreciate people and things in your life.

Trust your instinct and embrace your unique experience

There can be many ways to “think about” or “prove” whether you are asexual, but at the end of the day, it is valid to simply “feel” you are asexual, just as others “feel” that they are allosexual. If you've spent a lot of time trying to understand what sexual attraction actually means, or you question whether you experience attraction like “all the others do;” that's worth paying attention to. 

Don’t judge yourself for thinking you are just trying to be different or that your sexuality is yet to be discovered, like the cultural assumptions are telling you so. There’s no need to question whether you are asexual enough based on your dating history or sexual experience either, for asexuality is about how you see yourself and experience (the lack of) sexual attraction, not about your potential romantic orientation or engagement in asexual activities for whatever reason.

Wrap Up

Realizing whether you are asexual can take time and a great deal of self-reflection and exploration, but remember that there are always resources available to support you. Most importantly, exploring who you are and what matters to you is a brave and meaningful journey, regardless of where it ultimately leads.