Tips for Dealing with Acephobia from Those Close to You

Asexuality is still oftentimes marginalized in society and mythicized in cultural understanding.

By Hanxue Jiang

Asexuality is still oftentimes marginalized in society and mythicized in cultural understanding. Being an ace means that one likely needs to navigate acephobia and explain/justify their identity a lot. But sometimes acephobic reactions and comments can come from those who are close to you, including family members and friends. Dealing with acephobia in these situations can be complicated and emotionally tiring. While every situation is different, the following approaches may help you protect your well-being and navigate these conversations in ways that feel right for you.

1. Acknowledge the acephobia and know that it is not your fault.

Acephobic comments from loved ones can feel much more personal than those from people you don't know well, or at all, such as people online, at school, or in the workplace, where the disrespect or hostility is often directed at the ace community in general. Though the things they say are also frustrating, those strangers can feel like just "some acephobic people" who are going to attack people with common myths about asexuality. Family members and friends, on the other hand, are people you know well, care about, enjoy spending time with, and whose personality you appreciate. So it can be especially shocking and disappointing when they casually make an acephobic comment or dismiss your understanding of who you are. It is completely normal to feel upset in these moments, and you have the right to ask them to respect your identity and feelings.

2. Closeness doesn’t mean disrespect is "just a joke."

Sometimes, when a disrespectful reaction is from someone close to you, they may respond to your push-back by framing what they say to be “ just a joke” or that you are taking things too seriously. Remember that they're trying to shift the focus to you. “Overreacting” does not make what they say acceptable, and you can make clear that making “jokes” about the identity of a friend is not funny. You don’t have to make yourself fall into the trap of you being “too sensitive,” especially when you are the one being hurt.

3. You don’t owe them a presentation on asexuality.

You don’t have to be an “expert” on asexuality to validate your experience, and you don’t need to prove yourself to be “more persuasive” to ask for your friends’ respect and recognition of your identity. Communication is not just about correcting misconceptions, but about making those close to you aware of how you feel and that you deserve to be treated with consideration and respect.

Sometimes, it could also be more helpful to tell them about your experience and understanding of “being ace” if you are comfortable than telling them generic educational information and definitions. It might even help to turn the unpleasant “acephobic” moment into a chance for them to learn more about how you are and how you think about your identity.

4. Take a beat before responding.

When your friend makes an acephobic comment in certain situations, for example when you are chatting online or going to an event together, you do not always have to respond right away. If you don't have the energy or feel overwhelmed, it is okay to take time to process your feelings and decide whether you want to address it later. You can bring it up (in person) when you feel ready, or start a conversation when you feel more prepared.

5. Set boundaries — and know that doing so isn’t unreasonable.

You can point out things they said, whether intentionally or not, that make you feel uncomfortable openly. You can ask whether they are willing to be more considerate of your identity and respect how you experience yourself. Setting these boundaries can help shift the conversation from defending your identity to building a relationship where you feel seen and respected.

6. Remind them that asexuality is also queer.

Being denied by queer people you are close to can feel very upsetting, with some queer spaces still excluding or neglecting aces. Explaining to your friends and family that being ace is also being queer (i.e., also challenging the heteronormative culture and relationship expectations) might help them understand your identity and frustration in a way they can better relate.

Wrapping up

While dealing with acephobia from loved ones can be painful, it is possible to navigate these challenges while staying true to yourself and asking for the respect you deserve. Your identity does not become less valid because someone else struggles to understand it, and you deserve relationships where you feel accepted and valued.